Parenting Independent Children

I can tell you from experience that parenting independent children is more of a challenge than raising people pleasers. I have a few of each so I know of what I speak. After studying nature versus nurture in school, I thought I had it all figured out until I had kids of my own. After venturing forth into the hands-on experience of actual child rearing, my thinking is that each baby comes here pre-programmed and while some behaviors can be tempered the basic character of a child is hard wired.

My daughters all have different temperaments. Two are shy and eager to please and the other two are rowdy, outspoken and at times, bull headed. I'm here to tell you that parenting independent children is a challenge. I believe that all of my girls are capable of being self sufficient and doing wonderful things in their lifetime even though the odds have been stacked heavily against two of them with chronic illnesses.

Oddly enough the one who has suffered the most is showing the strongest leadership capabilities. She is the one who calls the shots for the group's activities each day. Even though she is not the oldest or the strongest she has won the respect and admiration of the other three by handling herself with dignity that amazes even me.
Watching my girls take care of things because they have decided that I must be tired from taking care of their sick dad (which if you've visited Family Recipes, Babies and Parenting Issues you know about our recent trials and tribulations) or have a lot going on makes me feel like an expert on parenting independent children or at least at giving birth to them.

Parenting Styles

I had an excellent opportunity to get a good look at my siblings parenting styles over Thanksgiving and I'm certain that I'll get another taste during the Christmas and New Year's holidays. I'm one to resist spewing parenting advice to others for the simple reason that no matter what the kids do at home, there is really no way of knowing what they will do when they are in public.

Long story short, Thursday night I broke my own rule of not becoming involved. No, one of the cousins did not whack one of my girls on the head or try to sneak peanuts to my baby with a severe peanut allergy. The little darling disrespected my mom's home.

I didn't lose control and even managed not to criticize my sister's severely relaxed parenting style but I just could not keep my mouth shut. She was raised in the same house as I was with the same values and to see her let her child get away with a level of destructive behavior that we never would have been caught dead practicing under the darkest cover of darkness or under a cloak of anonymity, much less in the middle of a family gathering in full daylight was just too much.

To give you some background, mom has had the same living room furniture all my life. On her birthday we pooled our resources and bought her a new set of end tables and a coffee table challenging dad to buy a sofa, chair and loveseat which he did. Thursday was her day to show the completed room off and you could tell that she was so very proud.

I reminded my girls to mind their manners and keep food at the table and to play outside as did all of my brothers and sisters EXCEPT for the one who believes in a loose and indulgent style of parenting. Things started out alright and then her little boy got rowdy and thought it was a good idea to stand on the coffee table, jump on the new sofa and break a lamp. After each incident, the expected admonishment never arrived.

Finally, after the lamp crashed to the floor. I took matters into my own hands and told the little boy to get outside with the other children and pulled my sister aside to give her a piece of my mind. She proceeded to give me a rundown of her preferred style of child-rearing and how she wanted her child to have freedom to make his own choices to build his self-esteem. Parenting styles and self esteem be hanged, that was my mother's house and I shared a piece of my mind and shared a little unappreciated advice with her on how to discipline her son.

Was I wrong in the way I handled the situation? I would appreciate it if those of you who visit Family Recipes, Babies and Parenting Issues would give me a little advice before the family Christmas get-together.

OLD MAN SLAPS CHILD IN WALMART

Ok, it's one of those mornings when baby is fussy but you have to go to the store and an old man walks up and slaps your child in Walmart. Not exactly a great way to kick off the day. This might seem like a fictional report of a friend's bad dream or perhaps a nightmare of your own. However, this scenario played itself out in a Walmart store in Georgia.

A 61 year old guy named Roger Stephens apparently got enough of a little 2 year old girl's crying and (alledgedly) told her to shut the child up or he would do it.

As kids are so prone to do, the little girl kept crying which reportedly prompted Stephens to make good on his threat. It was reported that he (as gran used to say) rared back and slapped her not once but four times. He then had the brass to tell her mom, who was no doubt standing there gaping in shock, "See, I told you I could (or would?) shut her up". To quote Whoopie Goldberg, "WHAT THE HELL"?!

To follow up, Mr. Stephens was picked up, arrested and charged on Monday on a first degree cruelty to children charge. Before his arrest (or perhaps because of the impending?) he apologized to the mother for slapping her little girl. My questions is what kind of man slaps a child in Walmart or anywhere for that matter?

I tried to get a mental picture of my husband slapping one of our girls and I couldn't. We just don't discipline our children in that way. The image of anybody hitting a child in the face or anywhere is appalling to me because. It's my belief that violence never solves anything but creates bigger problems for the long haul. I'm not a fan of violence, but you better know that any man who slaps my child in Walmart or anywhere else better be expecting it. This peaceful mama would break out a big can of ass whipping like you wouldn't believe!

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PARENTING and DISCIPLINE MAKE THE FREE STUFF SEEM WONDERFUL FOR KIDS

The world is a wonderful place for my girls right now! Cass loves riding her little car in the carport and big sister is trying out her big girl bicycle with training wheels. Lately we have had days warm enough to take the whole crew walking down the dirt road near our temporary home. We went to the park at the lake that is a few miles away from where we live. The wind was wickedly blowing everybody’s hair and we’ve decided that we hate the wind even in warm temps.
The oldest said awhile back that she really didn’t like winter because of all the cold air, the rest of it was really ok. How profound a statement coming from such a small girl.

She is really amazing to me right now, every ride to the library or to the store brings on conversations reagarding things she sees on the way. And I honestly believe that she would pack the library in the car and bring the whole children’s section of storybooks home with us.

Looking back, I can pat myself on the back for disciplining myself to always look I was excited myself when I made the announcement that it was time to head to the library. I also took the time to build friendships with the librarians so they would remember my children’s names which makes them feel SO special. The reward to this method of parenting is that a trip to the local library is almost equal to a trip to Santa’s workshop at my house. What wonderful days when the good times are free but they don’t come with no effort. Mommy had to lay the groundwork and schedule the trips for optimal post-nap or early morning time frames when babies are more prone to smile and charm people they meet.
A small price to pay to see even the little one show such excitement over the prospect of FREE books.

Good Child Discipline or Child Abuse?

I'm always looking for ways to make the house run smoother. I pay close attention to the ways other parents seem to make this happen in their homes. I confess that sometimes I get really envious of moms with quiet, obediant kids when my babies are whining, sassy or just plain hard to control! I find myself wanting to ask total strangers their secrets of dealing with the strong-willed child and what forms of discipline they find to be successful. The only thing holding me back is that I'm afraid that the wild look in my eyes might frighten them!

I try to think of creative, kind and effective methods of mob control, but I'm telling you that there are days when nothing seems to work. On those occasions I feel like such a blooming failure at parenting. I love these children so much and I want them to be functioning members of society, but how do I do this if I can't get them to behave?

I typed all of that in order to rat another mom out, I'm sorry to say. Here's what happened and y'all tell me if I'm wrong to be a little disturbed.

Today as we were leaving homecoming at church I met a lady that I knew from one of the civic groups I belong to on the four lane that runs through this small town. This lady is one of the women that I consider to have an orderly well-behaved brood. This is a person to whom I would (before this incident) have paid a reasonable sum of money for a blueprint of her methods of making her kids behave.
Churches all over town were letting out and traffic was moving slowly in all lanes.

This lady was going north and I was travelling south. She was conversing with one of the kids strapped in a carseat while looking at him/her through the rearview mirror. I was waiting for her to turn her attention back to the road ahead so that I could raise may hand to wave in greeting (laying the groundwork to weasel my way into her graces to obtain her secrets) when she swung around and started whaling the tar out of the baby in the back seat's little legs with one arm while driving the mini-van with the other.
Not to mention that she was swerving on the road because she was so busy meting out punishment to the passengers!

Parenting is a tough job and there is SUCH a fine line between child discipline and child abuse! I'm trying to remember more about a video that was taken of one of those Travellers awhile back. It seems the mom might have had her child taken from her because of a home video that caught her standing in a parking lot whipping her little girl, if I recall correctly. Well, this was the moving traffic version of that kind of spanking and I wonder what might happen if somebody HAD taken a video.

I tell you my friends, this makes me feel MUCH better about my rambunctious bunch! I'm not judging this woman, but it's my opinion that I was NOT watching a productive form of child discipline. In fact, (here I go judging when I said I wouldn't) it seemed more like child abuse!

TAPING KIDS MOUTHS SHUT. IS THAT OK?

Did anybody else hear a news story about an afterschool program that allegedly (don't I sound all legal?) taped a child's mouth shut as some form of discipline? Was this as a personal sanity saver or what?
If I heard correctly, it was judged that taping a child's mouth shut is not a crime and the case was kicked out of court or some such nonsense.
My thoughts on this are that while it might not have been a crime for the daycare worker to do the taping, the tailkicking I gave HER for doing such a cruel and heartless thing to my child probably would be prosecutable to the full extent of the law.
What do y'all think about this mess? What would YOU do if a person left in charge of your children taped one of their mouths shut?

I suppose this hits close to home because I'm the mother of lots of little jabber jaws and while I've been pretty close to snapping and sticking cotton in MY ears at times, I would never do something like that to my own child or anyone else's!

Come on, tell me what you think about this!